Dumb White Husbands vs. Zombies by Benjamin Wallace
Author:Benjamin Wallace
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: zombie survival, zombies humor, zombies fiction, surviving zombies, zombies apocalypse, zombie adventure
Publisher: Benjamin Wallace
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00
Five
Chris saw the creature on top of John, âJohn, are you ... oh my God.â
âItâs hahaokay. He doesnât hahahave ahany teeth.â
âDo you want us to leave you alone?â Erik asked.
âFuhaha, fuhaha, youhahaha.â
âThis is really disturbing.â
âHahahah, get it off of me, you assholes!â John pushed the creature up. Its half jaw flapped and its swollen tongue muttered. A moan grew in its chest and John could see the tongue get out of its way. The creature roared.
Four silver prongs appeared in the creatureâs mouth and began to twist. Brittle bone cracked as the silver tines twisted through what was left of the bodyâs tissue. The moan choked to a stop and the thing that wasnât Bill stopped moving.
Erik swung the body aside and pulled the green metal pole from the back of the creatureâs head while Chris helped John to his feet.
John looked at the bodies in his foyer. âWhat the hell is that thing, Erik?â
âA Garden Badger.â
John shook his head. âCouldnât even spring for the brand name, eh?â
âWhat?â
Chris dropped his bat to the ground. âJohn, forget that. Help us get these bodies out of here.â
John pointed to each body as he spewed questions. âWhat is going on? What are you doing here? Wait, tell me what theyâre doing here first. And what they are. Tell me that.â
Erik grabbed one of the corpses and dragged it out the door. âTheyâre zombies, John.â
âWhat?â
Chris grabbed the thing that wasnât Bill by the ankles. âZombies, stupid. Now do you want the bodies out of your house or not?â
âOf course I want them out.â John hesitated to touch the bodies. He made several moves to grab one but pulled back each time.
âCâmon, you big wuss,â Chris said. âYou were just making out with one and now youâre afraid to touch it?â
John shot him a dirty look, took a deep breath and grabbed one of the bodies under the arms. He dragged it into the front yard.
There were more moans. Distant, but still he spun around looking for the source.
Erik and Chris waved him back into the house. âQuick,â Chris said, âbefore more show up.â
âMore? Thereâs more of these things?â
âGet in here.â Erik pulled him into the house, closed the door quietly and locked the deadbolt.
Chris double checked the lock. âJohn, I canât believe you donât know. Theyâre ...â
John held up his hands. âNo. Stop. Youâre going to say zombies again and sound even more stupid. So just donât say it.â
âBut, they are zombies,â Erik said.
âDo you see, Chris? Right there. Thatâs how stupid you were going to sound.â
âHeâs right, John. Itâs hard to believe but the dead have risen and all that.â
âIâm going back to the couch. Iâm pretty sure Iâm going to find myself there, sleeping comfortably.â
âJohn.â Chrisâs voice was devoid of sarcasm. That wasnât normal. âDo you know where my family is?â
This stopped John on his way to the living room. âNo.â
Chris began to pace.
âJohn, do you know where your pants are?â Erik asked.
âShut up, Erik.â
âWhereâre Jenny and the kids?â Chris asked.
It took John a moment to remember the note.
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